So I realize I have been a little M.I.A. lately and I really wish I had a better excuse. There is really no other way to put it except that I have been in a major funk. Lately it seems that my energy has been very low and I have just not quite felt myself. I have not really faced a time like this in my life before where it seems that I have just lost interest in so many of the things that I used to love. Yoga, decorating, shopping, reading, it just seems like participating in those things has become a vague memory.
I was discussing with my mom tonight my concerns that I might be battling depression again. I struggled with it a bit a few months after Ephraim was born. I was able to use some Progesterone cream at that time that helped immensely with the hormonal plunge I was experiencing after giving birth. That worked for awhile, but I eventually ended up briefly going on an anti-depressant. It worked its magic and within a few months I was feeling so good that with my docs permission I was able to wean off of it. MISERABLE experience. I was super nauseous and dizzy, it just made me feel like crap. That has definitely made me nervous about ever going that route again. But I am considering it.
I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced anything similar to what I am feeling. I would certainly not classify this as anything severe. No suicidal thoughts or anything of that nature. Just, blah-ness. No I do realize that part of it is what I call the “end of vacation blues”. You know the feeling when you have looked forward and anticipated vacation all summer long and then it is here and it is over in a week. Much to fast. Couple that with coming home and starting a new job the next day and that can certainly make anyone feel like the proverbial “Eyore”.
I have just started reading Rick Warren’s “Purpose Driven Life” which is quite a feat me considering my disdain for any type of Christian Self Help book. So far, I am really enjoying it and is hitting me squarely between the eyes on so many levels. The whole concept of “It is not about you” is something that I strangely needed to here. Not to imply that I am not innately selfish (that is just part of the human condition), but I think I had convinced myself as a new mom that I was all about my kid and not myself and quite frankly, that is just not the case. I have been self focused for a long time and it is high time that I allowed the Lord to drag me out of that. It is amazing how sickly the disease of self can make us. It is a cancer fatal to our soul (Thank you DC Talk) and I am so ready to purge this thing. I am ready not just for the old me to be back, but for the renewed me to make a grand entrance.
So, this is where I have been. A little bit blue and bogged down by some muck and mire. But I am lifting my eyes to the hills, I know where my help comes from. I am crying out to the Lord and asking for His presence, His peace, His healing and His love. And I am waiting.